Ah – another Monday, another week ahead scattered with pieces of all the broken promises I made to myself over the weekend. It’s occurred to me that for much of my adult life, I lie to myself on a regular basis. Not sinister lies obviously, I’m not harvesting bones in an allotment. Just sometimes I’m guilty of promising great things for myself, allowing myself to momentarily envision a more fulfilled, harmonious me.

Although I achieve the odd glimpse of triumph, much of the promises I make to myself are lost in transience. So in the spirit of unified Monday blues, let me share with you some of my most regular expectation-versus-reality offences – normally made on a hungover Sunday evening. I hope some of you relate. And if not I hope you at least manage a sneaky laugh.

1.

Expectation 1: I shall make my lunches up for the next week, be virtuous and not blow newly-acquired pay packet on luxurious midday meals.
Reality 1: Goes into M&S on Monday with a dangerous #treatyoself mentality. Spends £8 on lunch and snacks.

2.

Expectation 2: I shall be virtuous this week and not drink. Respect thy body.
Reality 2: Gets to Thursday. You know the rest.

3.

Expectation 3: I shall go to the gym in the mornings so the idea of an evening gym session doesn’t hang over me all day crushing me under the weight of self-pressure.
Reality 3: Presses snooze repeatedly at 6am. Does not go to gym. Comes in from work at 6pm still tired and does not even manage evening gym sesh. Eats chocolate to self-medicate.

4.

Expectation 4: “I don’t care how much you e-mail me and haunt my sidebar ASOS, I don’t care about your sale.”
Reality 4: £80 later in the basket and hell let’s bump it up to £100 to claim that sweet next day delivery.

5.

Expectation 5: Realises how broken and damaged my dyed blonde hair is. Won’t dye it again until the damage has grown out. Will have glossy head of virgin hair.
Reality 5: 2 inches of natural dirty blonde later and it’s a trip to the hairdressers. Tames damaged, frizz hair with heated styling tools. And on and on it goes.

6.

Expectation 6: Will save money so I can at least convince others if not myself I am an adult with the ability to scrape together a house deposit and other adult-y things.
Reality 6: You’re only young once. Book that spontaneous holiday. Buy that £4 coffee. Shoes down from £100 to £50? Can’t pass on a bargain like that. #YOYO.

7.

Expectation 7: Heard so many good things about these meditation tapes people seem to be doing. Will go home, download some and get my zen on. Yes.
Reality 7: Sits in front of TV painting toenails and wondering for the tenth time if I do, maybe, actually fancy Noel Fielding. Just, like, a wee bit?

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